Bill passed away this morning. He went peacefully in his sleep. Even though I thought I was prepared, it was pretty overwhelming. He was stirring around 3:00 a.m. and I got up to give him some more pain medication. I sat with him and held his hand for about and hour while he settled down and seemed comfortable again. He did squeeze my hand, at least I would like to believe that he did.

When I awoke this morning to check on him he was gone. He finally made his peace. He fought a very long, painful battle and didn't really complain very much, he never was bitter and tried to keep a positive attitude throughout the fight.

We will hold visitation on Friday at the Highland Funeral Home on Taylorsville Rd from 2-4 and 6-8. The funeral mass will be at St. Agnes Church on Newburg Rd at 1:00. I want to thank all of the many family and friends who have been praying for him and sending positive thoughts throughout this ordeal. I know he is at peace now, and soon I hope I too will have that peace.

It's been a rough week for all of us here at the Nolan home.  We're holding vigil by Bill's  living room bedside but it is not easy to see him this way.  I don't think he is in much pain which is a good thing, but he is not really awake or coherent very much of the time either.  To put it bluntly, we are watching him deteriorate and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming at times.  

 

We're (the kids and I) trying to stay positive, remembering stories and good times, looking through the pictures from a lifetime together and sometimes that works for a while.  We are lucky in that we have so many family members and friends offering their love and support.  We know we are blessed in that respect, thank you.  I feel as if we have actually been grieving for the past 18 months and sometimes I think I'm going to run out of steam.  But I guess God knows how much a person can take and hopefully I can remain strong for as long as it takes.  

Hosparus (Hospice) is a wonderful resource from where we sit.  They have already been a huge help and their services extend beyond the medication and medical equipment.  We are grateful for their support.  

I hope this part doesn't linger.  I think he has suffered enough.  Holly

Home Again!

We were able to bring Bill home from the hospital last night.  He was glad to be home, and we have set up a bed in the living room for him with the couch nearby for me.  Hospice is helping us to care for him at home now.  He has fought a long and very difficult battle.   He is very weak, but fortunately the Docs have been able to control his intolerable pain and he is able to rest comfortably here at home.  

The past 18 months have been rough on all of us.  Right now my emotions are all over the place.  We are so grateful for the prayers and support, cards, visits and positive thoughts along the course of this journey from our friends and family.  Our priority right now is to keep Bill comfortable, pain free and surrounded by love.   

 

We made if home safely from Pittsburgh about 4:00 pm yesterday.  It was not a bad drive but it was pretty rough on Bill.  He seems to have gotten progressively worse quickly over the past week or so, not able to eat or drink much because of the pain.  Of course when you cannot eat or drink much your body reacts rather negatively.  He has become very dehydrated and weak.  

So, this morning the girls and I took him to the hospital where he is receiving fluids and a stronger pain medication.  Neither Bill nor I wanted to face another round in the hospital, but it was time.  He was in pretty bad shape.  They will do some tests while we're here and see if they can determine what's going on.  The Dr. promised we would not be here long, but we've certainly heard that before and to be honest, I don't want to go home only to return in a day or so.  So, we are in University room 527 hanging out.  

We don't really know what we might do about Pittsburgh, if anything.  They are running a clinical trial on a Melanoma vaccine which sounds promising to me, but there are strict guidelines for eligibility.  In order to even find out if he is eligible, we would need to make another trip and have tests done.  So, given his current state, that may not be an option.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens in the next couple of days.  

In the meantime, he is resting comfortably and filling up with fluids.  The kids are all down this weekend, they are my strength, all four of them.  Thanks for continuing to send those positive thoughts our way.  

It looks like we're heading to Pittsburgh on Wednesday.  The Hillman Cancer Center at the University of Pittsburgh has agreed to see us (whatever that means).  We have a consult appt. on Thursday to see if there might be a clinical trial for which Bill is eligible.  We're hopeful that the answer will be yes, our Drs. here think the possibility is good.  So, we're hitting the road.

Since Bill has been feeling so tired lately, he has a weekly standing blood draw order including a blood transfusion if necessary.  Yesterday we went in for the blood draw thinking that if he was to have a transfusion it would be Monday at the earliest, since his blood is so difficult to find.  I guess we lucked out because they had two units of his blood ready for him.  So we were at the Cancer center from 11:30-7:30.  It was a very long day.  Hopefully, the extra blood will help him feel more himself for a while.  

We would love to be out and about in this lovely weather although I don't think the State Fair is on the agenda.  As always, thanks for your positive thoughts, cards and prayers.  Holly

We celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary yesterday with a very nice dinner out at the newest Bristol in Jeffersonville, IN overlooking the river and the Louisville skyline.  It was nice to have a few hours to ourselves with nothing more to think about than food and the view.  

We saw the oncologist today and again heard some bad news.  The National Cancer Institute has turned Bill down.  It's ironic really.  He does not have a tumor big enough to remove, and they need to be able to do that in order for him to qualify for a study.  So I guess it was good that he does not have a large tumor right now, but then ...  So, we are now looking into the University of Pittsburgh to see what studies they might have.  We have reached a point where the only other option for Bill is more of the same treatment he had last fall only stronger.  Which you might remember almost killed him.  Dr. Miller, the oncologist, is not recommending that treatment yet.  He wants to keep looking for possible clinical trials.  So, we continue to wait.  

Bill is trying to deal with this news positively but, it's hard to take and he is feeling pretty down.  As you can imagine the fight wears you down.   We're going to try and stay positive, get out and do something fun as often as we can, when he feels strong in the meantime.  Thanks for those continuing positive thoughts and words of support.  We continue to fight.  

We celebrated Bill's 58th birthday yesterday with a small family gathering.  It was so nice to visit with everyone, Bill really enjoyed the day.  He feels pretty good, able to make it out for a couple of hours to do something most days.  He still has some pain but the pain medication seems to keep that at bay most times.  

We continue to be in a holding pattern with regard to next steps.  The insurance company has denied coverage of the clinical trial with Ontak again, so that does not appear to be an option.  We are checking with the National Cancer Institute to see if they might have something that Bill would qualify for, but so far no word.   Dr. Polk has also contacted the Drs. at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Texas for options, but no word yet.  So, as you can imagine it's a little frustrating and worrisome, but we're doing our best to stay positive.  

Bill still checks his email most days, so correspondence is welcomed.  We really appreciate those encouraging words and thoughts.  As always, thanks for your positive thoughts and prayers.